Hannah

Pain is beautiful

2012-02-07T18:07:00.000-08:00

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I am not the same girl I was 6 months ago. I am definitely not the same girl I was a year ago. I encountered some of the most painful and trying times within the past 6 month. I can't say I've struggled with hurt and pain nearly as much as some of those around me, but I tell you, the hurt and pain was real. And so while there is much pain, I am learning how beautiful, beautiful, beautiful are those that undergo long-suffering and pain. Oh, I cannot even tell you. Truly, there is nothing as beautiful as the one who hurts, and yet wakes up everyday with a renewed hope and assurance. I'm not saying that person is me, but it is the person I want to be in the midst of this struggle.

I was driving a few days ago and felt a heaviness on my heart like I hadn't felt in months. Lord, what is this? I asked. Why is this here again? I thought I was done with this. I was just dialoguing with Him, when I heard very clearly: "Pain is beautiful." I knew immediately it wasn't my pain, necessarily, but the Lord's pain that is so beautiful. The pain He endured was so real and full. I can't even say it was a pain He wanted to endure, because let's be honest, who wants to endure such a pain? I used to speak so lightly of Jesus' pain and suffering. Like, "Jesus so willingly and readily suffered for my sins." Completely insensitive to the fact that the cross He carried and died upon was the most gruesome, wretched, torturous death one man could ever experience.

Yet, He says, "Pain is beautiful." Oh how I believe such words today.

Lately, I understand Him a bit differently. You see, when you suffer through painful life experiences, there is a special bond and connection between those who suffer as well; one you truly cannot reach until you undergo hurt for yourself. And that is one of the most beautiful parts of pain: is being able to share, empathize and cry with those who feel those similar feelings you do. Nothing really takes the place of being able to share and edify with one or ones who have experienced what you are currently experiencing. In the same way, nothing is more beautiful than being able to understand those who are suffering, not just because you feel bad for them, but because you truly, deeply, painfully understand what they are going through.

I haven't worked all this pain and beauty out in my head, but I can tell you, this outlook certainly wasn't with me 6 months ago. It's hard to try and write about and explain something like pain and suffering. Words simply can't capture.

Necessities of this life:

2012-01-17T13:07:00.001-08:00

-Speaking TRUTH over others
-Speaking truth over myself
-Claiming hope
-Seeing the good in others
-Falling more and more in love with Jesus
-Live alive

Basement ponderings

2012-01-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

God has been doing a slow and gentle healing in my life over the past few weeks. He is telling me who I am to Him, and reminding me of the calling He's given me to live out in this life and in the eternal one that I'll spend with Him- to be His daughter, simply and wholly His own.

He has been showing me the dreams and passions that I once held so dear in my heart, yet somehow let go of over the years. These dreams, while they may have seemed foolish at the time, are being placed back into my heart and stirring up in a deeper way. I don't know what the Lord is doing in my life right now. It's hard to really pinpoint and understand, but He is doing something truly unique and special. I want to be more alert to what it is He's doing and where He is moving.

Currently, I'm in Canada, all warm and cozy in CY's basement, just sitting with the Lord. A whole world of questions and concerns about my unknown/unplanned future lay in front of me. In the natural, my future is hazy and unsure. I don't know what it is the Lord will have me do. I don't know where I'm going. But my great joy and hope is in simply knowing Him. He says that knowing Him is eternal life. So while I don't know what lies ahead in the coming days, forever and eternity will be spent learning of Him. His depth is endless; He stretches on and on like a shoreless ocean. This is my future and my hope for all eternity.

This year I want to

2012-01-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

exercise (duh!)
write more
stretch daily
eat vitamins daily
use words to encourage
piano
guitar
intentionally look for the best in all people
love more

Restlessness

2011-12-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

St. Augustine of Hippo says, "Our hearts are restless till they find their rest in You."

I've been hearing this quote in my head for some time now. I knew it must belong to a song or famous preacher and kept meaning to look it up. Well, today as I was jogging I heard those words again, after feeling in my heart the love of God. It was one of those revelations that, yes, He really does love me! He always does, I just allow myself to become so blinded by distractions and the mire of this world.

I looked up the quote online and found this beautiful excerpt from Confessions of St. Augustine of Hippo: http://www.piercedhearts.org/theology_heart/teaching_saints/hearts_restless_st_augustine.htm
My heart was so moved by St. Augustine's sincere and deep heart questions and declarations.

Isn't it interesting how you really could "have it all" in life, and yet still be haunted by longings and desires that have yet to be fulfilled? You could be at peace in all physical areas of your life, yet there remains an uneasy tension in your soul that no distraction could ever heal.

Truly, our soul's deepest longing and void is only filled and satisfied by the Creator of the soul. My heart is restless until it finds its rest in You, God, Creator of my soul.

::edit:: I could have sworn I'd written a post about that quote from St. Augustine, so I browsed through some of my old posts and lo and behold: http://jloveshannah.blogspot.com/2011/02/soul.html <-- post from February 6, 2011 titled "The soul" !!

Shopping failures and winter dreams

2011-12-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

I could SCREAM I'm so happy!! Sing and scream. But I won't since I'm at my apartment and these walls and ceiling are paper thin. Trust me, I know. I've been hearing all KINDS of things this semester from the folks upstairs and down. For the record, all of my future children will be going to Christian colleges if I have any say in the matter (only kidding-but I can't help thinking it whenever I hear things I do not want to/should not have to hear!).

I still have 2 last final exams and a paper, but the hard stuff is now over. Turned in my research paper on Monday, completed my ENTIRE unit plan last night, and had my last observation of the semester this morning. During and after the observation I felt like everything went terribly wrong, but my supervisor and mentor teacher said they loved it! Any success I make in the classroom is always God, because I always feel so inadequate and like a big ball of mess when I'm standing in front of those kids! And multiply that by 10 when I'm getting observed. Wheww.

After my observation I left school early to try and get some Christmas shopping done at the mall. Unfortunately, it was a major disappointment of a trip. Let me tell you: malls scare me. Terrifying--the the whole experience. They stress me out because I feel like EVERYTHING is an option, and can't figure out what I'm supposed to buy. I think I can count on my fingers how many times I went to a mall this year--ok, I might need to add a few more fingers--but in all honesty, I have come to the conclusion that I do not like shopping at malls. I much prefer online shopping, thrift shopping, and grocery shopping. Although, not in the order because I think grocery shopping is at the top of that list.

Speaking of grocery shopping, I went to Trader Joe's today and oh my gracious did it make up for all that mall frustration and failure. Talk about too many options! But they're all wonderful, delicious options that make my heart happy:) I <3 TJs. Too bad there are none around home in PG. My life may finally be complete if Trader Joe's and Whole Foods decide to come near me.

I also stopped at a Christian book store next to TJs and could have stayed there all day and night. I just love browsing through the book and magazine collections. Why is it that I only go to book stores when I'm in school and have 35 other books for classes that I have to read? I am determined to park myself at a B&N at least one day this winter break and spend all day reading books that I myself, Hannah B, pick out to read. Yesiree.

Jumbled in numbers

2011-11-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

Just one day till Turkey Day!

After running around my campus like a headless chicken for the past two days, I have officially started my Thanksgiving break!! With three papers and the longest unit plan of my life waiting for me... However, no classes, no group meetings, no internship, and no appointments with professors for the rest of the week/weekend! Hannah=Happy :]

I am more than midway through this semester and no longer have the ability to write clear, coherent sentences. So the following with have to do:

1. I discovered my love for Christmas music (not the annoying kind they play on the radio every year!). Like... it is a real obsession. As in, I started listening to Justin Bieber's Christmas album. In October. And I love it. So much. Okay, now I'll go hide in my room and never come out again.

2. I also love Michael Bublé's Christmas album. Not as much as Justin Bieber's. I <3 J Biebs. I'll go back to my room now.

3. My once AMAZING jogging schedule that I started at the beginning of this semester has pitifully dwindled down to brisk walks here and there and a few crunches every few days.

4. Meanwhile, I have been reading way too many food blogs and eating far too many cupcakes.

5. However, my walking schedule is pretty sweet on the weekends! I found me the bestest walking buddy, and we walk and talk all over our neighborhood. It's a pretty sweet deal I tell ya!

6. I'm supposed to cook a dish for Thanksgiving and perhaps a side dish. I have no idea what I'm going to cook. All this food blog stalking and I have nothing to show for myself :/

7. I can't wait till it's Christmas season! I mean, I love Turkeyness and all, and I don't want these days to speed up any quicker, but I absolutely cannot wait till we put the tree up, start baking cookies, and I can shamelessly listen to my Christmas music for all the world to hear!

8. I start phase 2 of my internship on JANUARY SECOND! I will be a "full time teacher" in nearly one month!

9. Speaking of teacherness, I've got to find me some personality glasses or something. All the kids and staff think I'm a student. It's really actually frustrating! The other day got in "trouble" for being in the staff ladies room!!

10. Medieval lit is strange... I miss my Victorian and modern lit classes.

11. I also miss my little unicorn and peachick munchkins! I miss them so much!

12. It's 11 pm. I want to watch the latest episode of 19 Kids and Counting but I've got to wake up at 6 am to drive to NY.

13. I <3 19 Kids and Counting.

15. Michelle Duggar is pregnant. With her 20th child.

16. I <3 Justin Bieber's Christmas album.

17. There are three water turtles in buckets on my front porch.

18. I had an apple strudel doughnut today. Drool! Was amazing.

19. I need to find a recipe for Thanksgiving.

20. I'm done. I could have stopped at #16 but felt incomplete and so I will stop here at #20. Goodnight:)

Walking! But leaning.

2011-10-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Well, my last post was dated August 29, two days before the semester started for me. Things were... easier back then ;P

I am supposed to be studying for my Midieval lit exam now... Sigh, I'm blogging. Just wanted to write in this little old thing sometime before this year ends. I've been so preoccupied with life's happenings. Of course school, internship, relationships, and other fun distractions. To be honest, for weeks now I've noticed my time with the Lord become minimal; insufficient. Yet would do nothing about it. I was doing far too much for the scant amount of oil in my lamp.

Yesterday, one of my roommates was baking cookies. Our oven is probably thirty-one years old; a flimsy piece of metal. It barely gets the job done, and so when the cookies refused to bake in there, I told her to turn it to broil (don't ask why... I thought it'd do something other warm the dough!). Only a minute later the oven is smoking, the cookies are black, and I'm feeling terrible about what I did! I quickly tried to pull the cookie sheet out and ended up burning my forearm in the process. I've never severely burnt myself before, and more than the pain, I was afraid of the scarring! I ran it under cool water for several minutes, and kept an ice pack on it while apologizing my butt off to my roommate for burning her cookies! It was a debacle.

This morning I woke up, and there was my burn. An inch in length, nice and burnt looking. And so I asked the Lord about it. I knew He was highlighting something. I sat and He revealed the state of my heart. Running, running, trying to get things done quickly and on time, all the while I've got hardly any oil in my heart. Intimacy and relationship have died out, and I'm getting things done by my own strength. I'm so quickly burning out. Let me just say, I do not believe it was God who burned my arm yesterday! That was my only silly fault. But I try and make lessons out of everything, and I know the Lord is a pretty creative teacher. Anyway, so I'm burnt, both physically and spiritually. But it's okay. I'll heal, and whether I scar or not, it was a lesson well learned.

The Lord knows my weakness, and in these times He's teaching me how to lean, instead of walk on my own. To lean on my Jesus who is strong and gracious in His walk. Though I am weak and lacking in my intimacy with the Lord, I am forever wounded by His love and could never, ever fall so far as to never get back up. It's His love that keeps me coming back.

I stumbled upon a great facebook status a couple of weeks ago and it's stuck with me since: "We don't limp out of the wilderness leaning on Jesus because it's cute & we need cuddle-time. It's because we've been wounded by His love."

Sometimes I fall, sometimes I get burnt. I am always facing some sort of barrier or mountain. But it's on Him I lean, in Him I find rest. His love and relationship is the oil to my heart. I'm learning to slow down, to look at Him, and never ever use broil to bake cookies again!

2011-08-29T04:42:00.001-07:00

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

A friend recently posted that verse on her Facebook the night before her first day of school. It's stuck with me ever since, and I have made it one of my own verses for this school year. Last year the Word became my primary source of help and power during what felt like the most difficult semester yet!

I especially held onto Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength," and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'... For when I am weak, then I am strong."

His Word is the unfailing assurance I have to hold hold onto.

I start my last (by the Grace of God-last!) year of college in two days! And I commit it all the the Lord. My full course load, my exams, essays, internship, relationships, everything. I really do not know what is to come, but I trust in the Lord's goodness and love.

Last year I started school with a fear of what was to come. I had just gotten out of a major hardship that I thank God He saved me from, but to be honest I was fearful of what was to come next. The Lord has revealed this fear that often plagues me and hinders me from living my life in the freedom He has given me. Hardships come and go- some more difficult than others. Instead of living in fear and anticipation of what struggles I will encounter, I say that all my ways are committed to the Lord and He works all things for my good. Amen.

My life, His story.

2011-08-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting on the "Footprints" poem a lot lately, along with my own walk on the beach (aka Life!)

I look back to some of those times when it looked like there was no hope, only dread or pain. I look at the times when I felt most unsure and overtaken. I know it was in those dark nights of faith that the Lord was carrying me, taking my burdens upon His own back. He has never once left me to fend for myself. However, I also know that it was those times the Lord was so sovereign in His ways, doing works in me to make me into the one He dreams of me to be. Honestly, there are certain times I have been quite confused about, Why Lord? Why did you let that happen? Why did I have to walk through that? No one else around me has had to. No one else understands it.

Yet I am reminded of His banner over my life: He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love (SoS 2:4). All of my life, in every moment of happiness or sadness, joy or frustration, the Lord leads me in love. All things He does for me in love. I know I would not be able to understand certain things or people today if I hadn't experienced certain events in my past. And I know I would not be able to cling to hope and faith in this season of struggle if I didn't experience certain events of trials and waiting in the past. The Lord is sovereign over my life. I can see just a little more clearly that my life is a book, authored by the most creative, loving, and wise Author of life. He is not overcome by the giants and frightening figures that I encounter along the way. He walks with me, He fights for me, and leads me in love all the way.

Gentle

2011-08-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I try to carry everything on my own, knowing how small my frame is.

I imagine a tiny little ant trying to carry a pebble on his back. It's simply too much too carry and yet he tries to pick up more and carry more! He can barely move and inevitably he is crushed by the pebbles, squished under all their weight.

In the same way I have this tendency to try to carry everything on my back, barely moving and slowly falling beneath the weight of burdens. It is frustrating and simply draining.

The Lord is so gentle and humble. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

I wonder why in the world anyone would want to carry my burdens. I hate carrying my own let alone others! He says, "For I am gentle and humble in heart"
He does it because He has such a gentle, humble heart. He is not overcome by my burdens but He overcomes them with His love and power.

I am reminded of the beautiful poem "Footprints in the Sand":

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

I hear the same words over me. That even now He is carrying me, allowing me to rest and lean on Him when I cannot walk.

I move His heart

2011-07-14T05:19:00.001-07:00

I have to believe I move His heart whether I feel it or not.

The beauty of this Man

2011-06-21T07:14:00.001-07:00

I look at Jesus and sometimes I want to look away. He was and is everything that is humble and painful. Yes, Jesus is majestic and glorious; He is ruler and King of all. But He is utter humility and lowly sacrifice. When He walked the earth He carried more pains and sorrows than any man or woman will ever have to be burdened with. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. (Isaiah 53:3)
Outwardly there was nothing to attract others to Him. Physically He had no appeal. Worse, He was constantly being misunderstood and falsely accused by those He loved and came to serve. Ultimately the Lord was killed because of sheer human hatred.

How wretched and yet how indescribably beautiful and amazing this Man is. In times of pain and confusion, the Lord Jesus is the truest Comforter and Healer. The One who endured it all and arose victoriously is the One who draws near to the broken and understands. He truly cares.

There's something about the rain

2011-06-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

I attended a beautiful yet sorrowful funeral today. My heart was so moved with sadness yet admiration as I watched her two children share their remembrances of their late mother. She was their best friend and her overflowing love for them has shaped them into two of the most beautiful and genuine people I know.

I left the service early to go to school and had to sit through two classes where I couldn't help but wonder how in the world this all was relevant to my life. I've been struck with the brevity of life. Our lives are so short and filled with the unexpected. Still I sat there and thought of the beautiful woman who departed this world too soon; her family; my own family and loved ones.

Driving home my heart entered into confusion and doubt. I was thinking about a lot (sigh, never a good thing) and allowing negative thoughts and emotions to overcome me. I was physically and emotionally spent. And stuck in terrible traffic on 95. Lord, help. I prayed and in just seconds the rain poured down onto my car, drenching my windshield. I could barely see in front of me. I knew it was the Lord physically demonstrating His love. His beautiful, overwhelming, all-consuming love. Like the rain He covers me. He drenches me. And when I take my eyes off of me and my situation, looking up, I can be free because His love upholds me. I am drowning in it. It's all around and I'll never find a way out of His beautiful, beautiful, all-consuming love.

Rest in peace to the beautiful one who left this world on Sunday. You are now free in the arms of Love. I'll miss you.

the overflow.

2011-06-10T20:45:00.001-07:00

My heart is overflowing with thankfulness tonight.

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. He keeps me guessing... and I really love it!!

Today I drove by a sign that read: "Walking without faith in God is like driving in the fog"
How true that statement is. Oh lord, open my eyes to see. More and more, I long to see with clarity and disillusionment.

Little memories Part One

2011-06-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

It's quite scary how quickly I forget the important and not so important things in my life. I want to remember more... even the seemingly mundane moments of my life!

My break so far:

The first week after finals SK and I loaded up the car and headed down to the Cliffs for a couple of days. It was simply glorious. I mean the beautiful flowering dogwoods; the humongous GREEN trees shedding helicopters and pollen clumps; the cleeeean (jellyfish free...as of now) Chesapeake Bay; kayaking down Parkers Creek; night swimming!!; eating delicious food; talking and talking with Grama, AM and SK; being FREE from school! Yes, it was glorious indeed.

Thankfully we documented this beautiful trip with photos. The sights at the Cliffs are constantly taking my breath away!!

These are the steps down the cliffs to the bay

Such fitting attire for being in Southern Maryland.

Hehee I love these photos of SK:P

Hammock :):)

I love the Bay. I love how natural the Cliffs community remains. I love this beautiful world!
Our Creator is beautiful:)

Twenty-One!

2011-06-03T04:37:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my 21st birthday a couple of days ago. It was a very sweet and relaxing day, spent with family and close friends. I woke up to find goodies around my room and even at the front doorstep and of course calls and texts from friends and family I haven't heard from in a while. Then, I got ready to go out for brunch with SK and one other surprise member!! I was super excited to see who it'd be, and was kept waiting in suspense for a good ten minutes since she was running late. I couldn't imagine who it'd be, then finally saw my sweet and beautiful friend EC (who I had not seen since this past winter) walk through the door! It was the gift of all birthday gifts! The three of us sat around like oldies in our Old West stylized restaurant (SK and I swear we are covert cowgirls) and talked and laughed:)

Later, the three of us decided since it was my 21st, I had to purchase my first (and probably only) bottle of wine from the next door liquor store. So I did! And felt way too young and inexperienced to be meandering through the aisles and aisles of every kind of alcoholic drink you could think of. Because I'm not too classy of a drinker (not even a drinker at all) I bought my first bottle of wine for a grand total of $8.99!

Then we headed home and went swimming/lounging with my siblings, SK and TN. I felt like a kid again, splashing around with my friends and siblings in the pool, and even conquered my fear and slid down the slide! Yes, sigh, I am not ready to grow up. But, as I wrote on my last birthday, my only prayer is that I remain a child all the days of my life, growing younger and younger and more and more in love with my Great Abba in Heaven!

As I get older I truly understand and can agree with the saying "it's the thought that counts." More than anything, it touches my heart just to know someone cares enough to think of me and say so! I'm not one who needs anything big or fancy. I was so touched by the genuine love showered on me:)

I am simply grateful for how my Lord showers me with blessings and gifts of His affection every single day. I am so thankful for His mercy and love. I say this all the time, but I truly, truly mean it with every fiber of my being!! As I get older and learn more about myself and who I really am on the inside, I realize there is absolutely nothing good within me. All that is good is Him! And I like that. It's just when I forget that truth things go sour. My prayer is to be like a child, utterly dependent on God my Father. His mercies are my good. He is the only joy, peace and satisfaction in my world.

Sighhhh

2011-05-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Over. Done. Forever and ever! Well that's how it feels right now at least! Let's not talk about summer classes which start in one week. Instead, I'm thinking about my trip with Shan down to the Cliffs!!! (Praying for beautiful weather!)
Days of reading, relaxing, getting bored of the latter two and taking random naps.
Spontaneous summer storms, which is the only proper way to get soaking wet while fully clothed.
Fireflies!
Longer nights.
Lazy mornings.
Being happy! =)

Overwhelmed.

2011-05-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

I should be working on a paper right now (story of my blogging life), but I am so overwhelmed and full of thanksgiving that I want to write it down! This semester has been so many things, difficult being the bulk of it. I’ve had to step down from certain positions at church like the praise team (which I really love!) and orchestra (again love), and cut back on hours with Bay+Moll (my super loves!!). I remember coming home on the weekends and wanting to spend time with my younger sister and brother in bed, share jokes and read them a story before they went to sleep… then realizing I had several readings I was behind in and papers to write. I’ve been unprepared for a lot of my other commitments, like youth group, and felt so guilty whenever I didn’t come through as much as I knew I could have. I spent hours upon hours sitting at my desk in my little nook, crouched over books, outlines, and my laptop, trying to get organized and write. I had moments where I felt so utterly drained and lifeless that I wanted to stop and cry. Those moments turned out to be some of the most incredible moments of this past year. I also had amazing and unforgettably fun days and nights, laughing so hard with friends I swore I’d wake up with abs the next morning. We had our fair share of late-night Wal-Mart runs where we’d just walk through every single aisle and look at everything, and really only walk out with one or two items. I had days where I decided that papers could wait, and spent the day laughing and being silly:P The beautiful people God placed around me have been such a light and encouragement for me this semester, and I truly have grown to love, and stretch myself in love like never before.

With that being said, though this semester was extremely challenging and difficult to say the least, every challenge and every obstacle has been worth it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used the Word to get me through my days when I barely had a meaningful conversation with the Lord. Reciting verses like My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), I can do everything through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) and If any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him. But he who asks must believe (James 1:5), and the most simple and beautiful one: Don’t worry; just believe (Mark 5:6). These promises have carried me, literally, when I was too weak to walk. He has carried me, and given me His shoulder to lean on. He is so kind, so gentle, so patient, so passionate for me. I truly cannot do this life without Him. My Jesus is my greatest hope and strength in this world that seems to try its best to take me down. In Him I lack nothing! I really with all my heart believe this. I absolutely lack nothing in Him.

Thank You, Lord. Your grace is enough for me.

Now, finals. :)

Why do I blog past midnight?

2011-04-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

It seems blogging comes easiest when the whole world is asleep and I'm not. I tossed and turned and went in and out of slumber but finally gave up. I felt the Lord tugging at my heart. What is it Lord? My mind racing with thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. And then the Lord pulling me in.

I tend to let myself think things over and over in my mind, trying half heartedly to give them up to God. Yet, I felt no progress in my train of thoughts tonight, so I threw off my covers, grabbed my Bible, journal, pen and iPod and went out to sit and listen. I opened my Bible and fell upon Lamentations 3: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good to wait quietly. It is good to wait.
Yes, that's it. Waiting.

April 20, 2011

2011-04-20T22:56:00.001-07:00

Aww, I simply loved today (or technically yesterday) and it's 2am... and I feel like I wanna blog in order to remember seemingly insignificant days like today.

I finished a paper.
Read an entire Shakespeare play... ON SPARKNOTES! Yes, I'm terrible.
Went to Wal-Mart... twice.
Spent hours with TN and EK looking at every possible item available at our Wal-Mart Super center.
Ate a veggie sub.
Had a communion service and Bible study with some of my dearest friends.
Spent all day with some of my dearest friends.
Stayed up late, talking and eating Easter candy.
Ran to drop off something TN left at my room.
Felt amazing:)

This Child.

2011-04-13T12:42:00.001-07:00

So I've attempted to sit down and complete an entire, coherent, blog post for weeks now... then I always decide I should NOT waste time blogging and should get back to studying. However, despite the fact that I have 2 papers I need to get to, along with brainstorming/reading in preparation for my final papers, I find myself sitting here at my desk: pjs on, a freshly cleaned dorm room, and windows cracked open, listening to the gentle pitter-patter of rain outside and the beautiful birdies chirping their lungs out. I'll stay here for just a while.

In this season of busyness, stress, and constant future planning, I must give all my thanksgiving and praise to my Jesus.
I had a breaking point Sunday afternoon where I just flopped on my brother's bed (my own bed being occupied at the time) and once again tried to lose myself in sleep. However, no matter how tired I was and how hard I tried to get lost, my eyes remained wide open; my mind racing, thinking, thinking, thinking. Not a smart thing to do when your heart is troubled. I wanted to CRY; I wanted to fall asleep for a very long time. I just wanted it all to be over with and not have to think about it all. In these times, I know the Lord is calling me to look up at Him and fix my gaze on His graceful face. However, this time I simply couldn't. My phone rang and I saw it was my dear friend S calling. "Hey, you wanna go to a park?"
Hmm... not really, I thought. I really don't want to go to a park, I just want to sleep and get up and start reading for class, and so I replied "Sure!" Great, be there in 10.

After we hung up I sent her a text, "In need of encouragement! Be prepared with words." To which she replied, "Oh I shall be."

She picked me up and had my all-time favorite Lady Antebellum song "Run to You" playing just for me;P and as we drove I poured out my distress and confusion. I love how the Lord uses people, situations and even simple old country songs to minister to my broken heart:) Of course, she reminded me of who I am and what my calling was: a child of God and one who is called to pray. To be with the Father and give Him everything. Nothing I haven't heard before and yet everything I needed to hear again. To let go of all my burdens, my strivings, the lies and deceit, and become a child again. Very appropriately, we arrived at the park and instead of joining the others in the delicious barbeque and small-talk, we headed over to the playground and swung, climbed, slid, ran and laughed our little childish hearts out.

All of yesterday and today the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9 kept ringing in my ears: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
How comforting to know, and truly know, that it is not my strength and good the Lord is looking for. It is my weakness He treasures so that He may become my strength. He loves to take the broken, small and poor, and cover them in His grace and strength.

I haven't got a clue what to do with this little life of mine or how to walk it, yet I know in every step I am to be leaning on the One who is my Good, Good Shepherd. Thank You Abba for Your goodness and love, overflowing and unending. Your grace is sufficient for me. I need nothing in this life but Your presence. Make me like a child again! For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Amidst it all

2011-03-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

He is always good.

I take comfort in His Word and in beautiful lyrics like these:

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

-None But Jesus
Hillsong

Sometimes I forget

2011-02-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

that my God is beautiful. So, so beautiful. And He calls me to gaze upon His beauty daily. His beauty; it is exhilarating and mysterious.

So absolutely precious. I want to learn how to gaze endlessly.

You know you're an English lit major when...

2011-02-19T19:52:00.001-08:00

You've read more than 3 novels in one week and cannot seem to remember what the first one was about... not for the life of you. And that is where I find myself this Saturday evening.

I went to my public library today to check out a bunch of books for my adolescent lit class. We're reading all sorts of fun teen novels that I never got to in middle and high school. I almost feel guilty when I take breaks from reading for my other theory and lit classes and curl up with books like Shiloh and If You Come Softly. I just finished Bridge to Terabithia and The Great Gilly Hopkins today, and will start on The Chocolate War tomorrow. So fun:P Both Terabithia and Gilly were beautiful books. Highly recommend. Paterson is an amazing and prolific author, and local! I think she is from DC or Maryland. Both books take place in Maryland.

To close this lovely post, a psalm I found yesterday that brought much comfort to my heart:
"For human help is worthless.
With God we will gain the victory,
and he will trample down our enemies." 108:13

A reminder that my daily struggles I cannot handle on my own. I am absolutely incapable without Him and in need of His presence always. :)

The soul

2011-02-06T19:47:00.001-08:00

Today during church my eyes fell upon two beautifully striking quotes, both found in my hymn book. It is so special when the Lord speaks to me in surprising and thoughtful ways.

Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in Thee. St. Augustine

In comparison with this big world, the human heart is only a small thing. Though the world is so large, it is utterly unable to satisfy this tiny heart. The ever-growing soul and its capacity can be satisfied only in the infinite God. As water is restless until it reaches its level, so the soul has not peace until it rests in God. Sundar Singh

No new tricks for this old dog

2011-01-14T16:46:00.000-08:00

So I tried out Tumblr for a bit. It was fun while it lasted, but I've concluded I'm much more of a blogger than a reblogger. Plus I am way too slow for the world of Tumblr! I'm lucky if I get a single post in weekly while all my Tumblees are posting at least 5 times daily!! I couldn't keep up!:(

So here I am, back on good ol' Google blogger. It's good to be back:] Life has been bitter and it has been sweet. I take comfort in His good Word and I am blessed beyond measure; completely undeserving and overwhelmed with His mercy and love. In all honesty, this past fall semester was extremely frustrating spiritually. Ever since age 16 I was totally fiery and passionate about Jesus. I loved chasing after the things of Him and spending my time with Him. A few specific things began changing in my life in mid 2010 and the first area that was interrupted was my time with the Lord. I always heard the Secret Place was similar to taking vitamins: you often don't see the effect right away, but instead it is a gradual process that takes root deep inside. I believe it works the other way around as well. I have never stopped spending time with Jesus, it is just that my times with Him became less intimate and deep. They were often shortened by distractions or pure laziness. I did not even realize it until months into this terrible habit that my spirit was dying on the inside. Knowingly and unknowingly I used things like the internet, movies, friends and other "harmless" sources to fill my deep heart's void, which left me even more dull and dead on the inside. I was so utterly hungry yet not even sure how to get fed. I tried it all and failed continuously. I was overall confused and unsure as to what "season" I was in or even where I was heading spiritually.

Slowly and mercifully the Lord has been healing my heart. In the process I have learned a couple of things that have helped me overcome this battle of confusion and cloudiness:
~ Change in inevitable. People change, circumstances change, even I begin to change as I grow up and "mature(??)". However, despite the world changing around me, He has been the same since before time, and He will always remain the same. Changes come and most of the time I am not prepared for them. Yet in every season I am called to be a lover of Him and dedicated to the Secret Place.
~ His Word is the most vital source of life and disillusionment. As I neglected His Word I allowed spiritual dullness and cloudiness to cover my eyes and I was in a constant state of confusion. I find that when I am feeding on His Words I see much more clearer and my heart is directed with wisdom and revelation. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

I am so grateful for His beautiful mercy and patience. He is healing me and lifting me up out of my slumber. Life with Him is so fun, so worth it and satisfying.
He is so, so good and life is beautiful:) Be blessed in 2011!

Be all there.

2010-10-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Please don't mind me, I've been essay writing for the past four days. Am in no mood to write full, thoughtful, coherent sentences. English major hard.

The weather. I love 74 degrees, party cloudy and breezy! Savor this glorious weather, folks, because this is the shortest lived season of them all:( Take more walks and collect pretty leaves. Open up your curtains and leave your windows open! Wait, I take that back. If you want the world of stinkbugs to invade your dorm because you decided to leave your windows open during class, then go ahead. Or you could settle for open curtains. Eat apples and drink Pumpkin Spiced Lattes!!! Read a book outside. As Jim Elliot said, "Wherever you are, be all there."

I read that quote in a magazine the other day and it so touched me. At times life becomes so easily monotonous and mundane. I do the same thing everyday, expect the same outcomes, and see the same results. Yet, when I make the decision to look for Him in the mundane and taste Him in the everyday, there is no way I can grow bored. He is always fascinating and captivating. Instead of longing for a change of scenery or pace, I want to be all here, right where He placed me. All here with Him!

Autumn

2010-09-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

My brother decided to brew a pot of coffee at 9pm tonight... I decided to have just a sip, and well one thing led to another and to my surprise it was rather GOOD coffee and now it is midnight and I am nowhere near the state of tiredness to fall asleep in my bed so I'll just sit on my covers and stop this sentence here.

Oh, mercy! It has been a season of mercy. His mercy is my salvation. I cannot deny His amazing and abundant mercy. His mercy and compassions that are new every morning. Oh, mercy.

And oh, Autumn! My favorite season you are soon approaching. You are so good to me with your red and orange leaves all around. I love sitting outside and feeling you all around me. Do take your time this year and stay a while! I love to breathe in your crisp fall air and feel the sweet kisses of the gentle autumn sun. Everything about you is favorable and so please stay a while and make me smile:)

Learning

2010-09-01T07:46:00.001-07:00

I love that our Lord is a Teacher. He loves to teach and we should LOVE to learn!

All my life I've learned from my peers to despise learning and education and value "freedom" and "independence". As I grow older, I wonder how freedom and independence truly exist without being educated and constantly learning and growing. We were created to continuously take steps forward and upward, never remaining stagnant or regressing. I don't mean learn and become proud and arrogant. I mean love to learn and grow in the things of God; the things of God are so much more than I have limited Him to. Learn, grow, expand, and yet remain as simple and small as a little child!

Everyday He is asking if I will love. Everyday He is asking if I will say yes. When I do, He pushes me forward and gives me more. And when I ignore or deny His request, He is ever so willing to wait and sit right next to me, waiting for my yes.

Summer

2010-08-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Summer, oh summer, where have you gone? It was only just yesterday I was dreaming up plans and eagerly anticipating iced coffee and tea. I never did get around to those seasonal drinks. I think I prefer my coffee hot and my tea...well, I don't drink too much tea. So I enjoyed lots of hot brewed coffee and very minimal tea:P

In all honesty, this summer has been QUITE busy and hardly long enough. But I've loved every single second of it. I loved the evenings that stayed bright. I loved the nights I slept with my windows open, drifting off to the sounds of cicadas and far off trains and horns. I loved the amazingly blessed retreats I attended. I loved swimming laps. I loved sitting in the sun. I loved eating cold peaches and juicy red watermelons. I loved staying up late talking and laughing, and suffering dreadfully from it the next morning. I loved the pretty little hummingbirds that danced near my windows-a daily reminder of His love that comes in all sizes. I especially loved and love the two little darlings I babysat this summer, and loved how everyday He asked me if I would love.

As beautiful and glorious as this summer has been, it's been a challenge and a test of my faith. Here in the waiting He asks if I will choose hope over despair; love over bitterness; joy over sorrow. Yes, Lord!

I love summer, but I think I also really love autumn:] I think I just really love life!

Unashamed

2010-08-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

I heard the most beautiful song a couple of weeks ago and it's stuck with me ever since. It simply goes:

"I'm not ashamed to be poor and needy;
I'm not ashamed to be fully dependent;
I'm not ashamed that my goodness is nothing apart from You."

If I've ever felt these verses to be true, it's now. He is my only goodness. He is so, so good.

Simplicity

2010-08-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing the Lord has been speaking and impressing on me this year, it is: Simplicity. Be simple. Simple, simple, simpleton. I am called to simplicity. Whew! What a relief.

Lifeness

2010-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today

I babysat Mollie Pocket for 7 hours. While she napped (for THREE whole hours!) I read some Piper, napped a little myself, cleaned, organized, sang and had a peaceful little time. I just ate some deeeelicious fish and tooboo and kimchee jiggae. Now I shall have myself a fun workout session.

My seemingly mundane and typical day was filled with His beautiful presence. His nearness is my good.

He is my perfect Gift:)

Free!

2010-07-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the "rooms" we put ourselves in. The room of Despair. The room of bitterness. The figure-it-out room. The Hope room. The Joy room. The Thankful room. As I become a lot more aware of these rooms, it's become a lot harder to keep myself in offense and bitterness or sadness. I realize that I must be aware and alert as to what the enemy is up to, and quickly pull myself out of these rooms of hopelessness and into the room of His hope and glory.

Today I felt the lowest I've felt in a really long time. A series of minor events all leading up to one major one. The lies and accusations from the enemy fighting their way into my heart. An old and unwanted familiar spirit of rejection was looming over my head. As I broke down I knew immediately I had to get out of the room of despair and into the room of Hope. However, I was in such emotional pain and grief that I told Jesus, "I just need to stay here a little longer and get it all out." But He absolutely would not let me. He reminded me of when I got myself into this despair and hopelessness before, and how I learned to keep myself there, unable and not wanting to move. I quickly repented and the joy of the Lord, my beautiful strength, quickly restored me and gave me rest. Thank Jesus for His tender mercy.

Later I felt the need to pick up the book "The Happy Intercessor" by Beni Johnson. I had started the book months ago then put it on the shelf unfinished. Nothing against the book or author, I just don't think it was the season for me to read it and really grasp it. Anyway, I started reading from where I left off and was instantly touched by Beni's words.

"In the church in Weaverville, my husband led a Friday night prayer meeting. One time, I came late to the meeting. I felt really under it and depressed. We were going through a really big change in our ministry, and I had opened the door to a familiar spirit. I should have known better. I thought that I could feel just a little sorry for myself. That was my mistake. I came into the room and walked right over to where Bill was. He was at the keyboard leading the worship time. I sat right at his feet. He told me later that when I sat down, he looked down at me, and on my leg was a little demon. He reached down to brush it away and it bit him as it left.

"Wild, but I believe that demon was a familiar spirit sent to torment me. I understood something that night. As God gives you freedom, it is your responsibility to keep it. You can't go opening up old feelings and old thought patterns that you walked in under bondage. When you do that, you give permission for the tormenter to come." -Beni Johnson

The Gracious One has set me free of so many things, it's just amazing. Still, the familiar spirits of my past make their way back into my life trying to take hold of the places they once had dominion over. As Beni wrote, it is my responsibility to take hold of the freedom He's given me, and shut the doors to old feelings and thought patterns. It is a lie that we must walk under bondage and heaviness. The Son came to set us free. Freedom is whole. There is nothing that the Lord could not conquer. When He said "It is finished" He really did mean it is finished. He paid everything. He finished it all for me. Oh! Thank You Jesus!

You are my fun-filled gift of joy! You give me true joy. You give me true freedom.

Grace

2010-07-10T12:14:00.001-07:00

Long time no blog:( Lots to say but I'll keep it simple.
I am holding on to these words given to me: "Walk in humility. There is power in humility. Walk in love. Love covers a multitude of sins."

Leaning.

2010-06-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

In bed sick today. But praying and believing it's just a 24 hour thing. Sickness is always something that sobers me and reminds me of how much I need Jesus. Nothing else matters, everything is secondary because Jesus is my only hope and my only strength. Again and again I am reminded of His words to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

As I grow in my love and knowledge of the One who is all together Beautiful, I want to learn how to lean. Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover? (Song of Songs 8:5) He is the Cornerstone. The Gentle One who lifts our weary and burdened heads. Maturing as a Christian is not about becoming some super power human being with no more issues or pain. Maturity means learning how to become more and more dependent on the One who will bring us forth in love, and clinging only to His body.

Teach me how to lean. Teach me how to cling.

Passions

2010-06-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

We were created to be passionate beings. To be hot or cold! To pursue His dreams that become our own. He gives you the desires of your heart and loves the unique little quirks about you. You are you, and no one else could ever or will ever take your place. What are you passionate about? I came up with a short list of some of my own passions today as I was journaling and decided to post them here.

1. Jesus. Jesus is truly my number one passion. I know this because I get super excited when I talk about Him and the things of Him. Not just talking about Him, but talking with Him. Thinking about Him. Learning about Him. Knowing that there is no end to Him and no beginning blows my mind. It is literally impossible to grow bored with Jesus, and if you know me you know I hate, despise, detest, abhor boredom above all else. He is my number one, sole passion and obsession. He fascinates me, captivates me and captures my attention. And what is so fascinating about my passion for Jesus is that I know it can only increase, and that in the age to come it will remain my number one passion in life! I believe the rest of my passions in life flow out of my passion for this Man.

2. Music. Music flows through my veins. It pumps my heart and runs around my brain. I must have music in my life. Music connects me to the Spirit and I feel the Lord's pleasure when I sing, play and listen. Music is freedom. There is no one style. It can be anything or any way I choose. I long to excel in singing and playing instruments all so that I can give it to Him! There is so no shame or pride in my musical abilities. It's all for Him and it always will be!

3. A healthy body (wellness). Although I must continuously acquire self-control and self-discipline in this area, I enjoy my pursuit in maintaining a healthy body. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and that includes the physical. Taking care of the beautiful body He gave you is very important. I love having a healthy and fit body. This includes eating healthy and exercising regularly. I find pleasure in doing these things, learning what's good for the body, special tips, tricks and more.

4. Family(ies). I think there is something so beautiful and special about family. Sharing the same DNA as another human being, and loving them despite their weaknesses and annoying habits. I love my own family and spending time with them. There is never a dull moment among us, and I find them to be the funniest and most entertaining people on the planet! I love the theme of love that runs through families.

5. Talking and listening. I love talking with a friend about anything and everything. I also love listening to others speak, hearing what they're saying and being there to receive. Everyone likes to be heard. I truly find pleasure out of listening!

6. Dancing. Dance was created to glorify and worship God. You don't have to teach a baby how to dance. When a catchy tune starts to play they naturally begin moving their body to the beat. The body agrees with the sound and adds to it. You don't even need music to dance in worshipping the Lord! I love using my whole body to worship the Lord, dancing and spinning before Him! It brings deliverance and breaks chains. There is so much power in the dance and I absolutely love it.

7. Writing. When I write I understand. With so many thoughts running through my head, writing allows me to choose my words, create a sentence and make it come alive on paper. I write everything! It releases something within me and is a way for me to connect to the Spirit. Writing is fun and enjoyable for me. I love picking out the prettiest pens to get me even more excited about writing!!

8. People. I truly am passionate and fascinated by people. I've been told by several people that I ask far too many questions and that sometimes I sound like a professional interviewer. This is because when I am fascinated by something or someone I tend to ask loads of questions. I just want to know all about an individual: their childhood, background, hobbies, pet peeves, passions, relationships, funny stories, sad stories, scary stories, talents, gifts...etc!!! Every person is completely different and unique in their own special way. It's a beautiful thing.

9. Makeup. Makeup is one of the most exciting and appealing forms of art to me. There is so much to learn about makeup; so many different techniques, tips and tricks. The possibilities are endless with makeup! I love the pretty colors and the different effects. I think learning about makeup and the different kinds is even more exciting and interesting than putting the actual makeup on myself!

10. Reading. Reading is more than a necessity in my life. It is a passion that is fed through the Bible and other spiritual books. I love reading about the men and women of the Bible and learning from their lives. I love reading about the men and women of today who love the Lord with radial passions. Reading teaches me, inspires me, convicts me and warns me.

So, what are your passions?

My perfect Leader

2010-06-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

He is teaching me to wait and to to trust.
He is my perfect leader, who leads me is perfect love and humility.

Child

2010-06-01T03:44:00.001-07:00

It's 6:45 am and I am wide awake. Perhaps it's because I didn't sleep with my eye covers on. Or perhaps it's because I am officially no longer a teenager. *Jaw drop!* *Wide eyes!!* WHAA?! I've always felt 10 years ahead of my time and yet still 10 years behind. Strange... But, I have been burdened and convicted by these lyrics for the past few weeks: "Bring the fire of Your spirit//Return the passion of my youth//That I may burn for You" (Bread of Life lyrics)

Without even noticing it I have become lukewarm in my heart towards the Holy Spirit. I need His fire to come burn away everything that hinders love. I need His love to consume me from the inside out. I want to stop trying to grow up and grow down!!! Like a little child, I want to be free and consumed with my Father's amazing love. I must be childlike in order to enter His kingdom. And I believe I must be childlike to usher His kingdom here on earth.

At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.
(Luke 10:21)

He is good.

2010-05-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

One thing I know about my God is this: He is GOOD. As a daughter of this GOOD God, I know He likes to give me GOOD gifts:) He is so generous. So kind. So free.

His Spirit is my freedom. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

I remember a message from the past conference my church had, and the messenger was talking about God's grace. How can we respond to Grace? What can we do? Nothing but fall face down in thanksgiving and praise... and accept it.

FINAL stretch

2010-05-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

Blaaahhhh!! Finals week=bittersweet. It's nice not having to go to class. It's nice being able to sleep in. However, the whole studying bit is not looking too pretty...

It's 2:30 pm and my final lesson plan for one of my Education classes is due this evening. I just can't seem to get my creative juices flowing right now. Help! I also have a Science exam tomorrow which I've barely studied for, and my final final final essay due on Thursday. Jesus, help me to not get too distracted by my unfinished novel or my comfy memory foam mattress.

Laaadeee deee! It needs to be summer.

Oh look! My sibs and I hanging out in my dorm:

They stopped by last night and had so much fun touring my dorm and asking all sorts of odd questions, "Have you ever touched this door knob? Have you ever talked to your roommate?"

My room looks drabby and bare now since my roomie and I have taken down most of our decor. We're slowly packing everything up and getting ready for move out on Thursday.

Okay, now stop blogging and start studying!

His richness.

2010-05-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

(Psalm 145:8)

The Lord has compassion on all He has made. This is who He is! He is One of compassion and grace, slow to anger and filled with love. Rich in love. Who is man to question such a God? Who is man to shake his fist in God's face and say 'it should be this way!' or 'should be that way!' Yet, even if this man were to spit in the face of God, He would have arms wide open.

The Lord does not limit His love to those who strive to seek Him and know Him. He is rich in love for all His creation. For God so loves the world! Beautiful, beautiful Love! How wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.

His banner

2010-05-10T09:07:00.001-07:00

Wheew wee! What a weekend:) Cooked all day Saturday with my emo for my mother's birthday. We had a fun birthday celebration and more than enough food to go around. Had a fun day on Friday with my sibs, running around the mall looking for gifts and grocery shopping. We have too much fun when we're together. It's such a blessing to be part of such a loving and open family:D

Yesterday and today I've been meditating on Psalm 25, a psalm of David.
"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in You I trust, O my God...
No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame...
Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long...
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful...
The Lord confides in those who fear Him...
My eyes are ever on the Lord..."

I often think the best way for me to take something in and really truly learn it is to focus on that one thing and sincerely meditate on it. I wish I could read chapters and chapters a day, and listen to lots of different sermons, but my heart longs for authenticity. I don't want to just learn a new concept or teaching and have it barely touch my heart. I want to go deep. I want the heart made of good soil. This semester I really struggled with going deep in the Word and in prayer. I found I had much less time to meditate and sit before the Lord, and so why do it at all? If I can't go deep, I won't even go at all. Well, this thinking proved me very wrong and got me into trouble. I found myself listening to the lies of the enemy much more, and not even aware of it! Scary. I found my heart growing in offense of God and His nature. My heart grew anxious and fearful for no reason at all.

I was not allowing myself to be filled and led by the Holy Spirit. My heart was empty, and instead of filling it with the Spirit I was allowing the enemy to fill it with restlessness and insecurity. The Lord began to reveal my state and gently and lovingly called me to rise with Him to higher grounds. I love that He does that. That this life is a journey, and we're allowed to travel with Him to higher places.

He revealed His leadership over my life is one of love. A constant and an all-consuming love. "He has taken me to the banquet hall, and His banner over me is love" (Song of Songs 2:4). While my heart was growing in offense, He reminded me that in every season, in every year, in every day His leadership over my life is love. In the mundane and boring Tuesday's, His banner over me is love. And though He loves my desire to go deep in the spirit, He is overjoyed and ravished by just one glance of my eyes in His direction. "You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; with one glance of your eyes...How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!" (Song of Songs 4:9-10) In the midst of studying or running to class, just one acknowledgment of Him ravishes His heart. My Lord.

Psalm 25 is a beautiful heart cry. Show me Your ways. Teach my Your paths. Get my eyes off myself and fixed on You. My trust is in You. You are my hope. Everyday, every hour. In the mundane and routineness of life, my heart delights in You!

Good things.

2010-05-04T12:04:00.001-07:00

Good things to me:

«»The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot:) I read the whole series in middle/high school (can't exactly remember when) and still love it! This time I've got it on my iPod! It is such a fun read. Or fun listen if you're like me and want a good book to listen to on your walk to and from class, or on a long jog and are getting slightly annoyed with listening to the same workout songs again and again. An iTunes gift card would be amazing right now. I love this book series. It definitely trumps the icky Twilight series which I read 13 chapters of the first book and permanently tossed to the side when I could no longer take anymore Bella...or Edward. Mia Thermopolis is nerdy, smart and realistic. Meg Cabot is genius!

«»Pandora. Who invented this site!? It IS AWESOME. If you don't know how it works, Pandora is basically an online radio minus commercials. You create your own channel by typing in one of your favorite musical artists, for example Phil Wickham. The website gathers all these other similar artists to Phil Wickham like Shawn McDonald, David Crowder, Hillsong United, Brooke Fraser, Shane & Shane, etc. and creates magical playlists! So far my stations include Phil Wickham, Wolfgang Amadeus, Shawn McDonald, Misty Edwards and Brooke Fraser. Right now my favorite station is Brooke Fraser:)

«»My new wallet thingymabobber. I think it's a wallet... it holds all my cards, i.d, cash, phone, keys, emergency safety pin and chapstick all in one. Magic, huh? I used to have a pretty blue and brown one that was getting all banged up and faded (I take this thing everywhere). Good ol' Shannon took notice and bought me a brand new one last weekend. It's beautiful and floral printed, perfect for spring/summer! Makes me happy whenever I look at it. Picture!:
My eye is peeking through the key chain:P

«»It being 2 weeks till I'm done with my second year of college. REJOICE!!!! All that's left are final exams and papers. YIPPEEE! My cousins are coming back/have already came back from school and I cannot wait to see them! Yay for days and nights spent with beautiful family at the cliffs, swimming in the bay. Paradise:)

«»The generous words of encouragement from genuine sisters in Christ. Thank You Lord for the beautiful and marvelous sisters You've given me. I treasure each one of them. They are truly noble women of character and full of worth. Beautiful!

Teach me how to love.

2010-05-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

I found myself unusually bored after church today. Most Sunday's I have homework to catch up on (okay, more like homework I've completely and purposefully neglected all weekend), a Starbucks/Froyo/Rita's outing, or... well, now that I've sat down to think about it, I really don't have much to do on Sunday afternoons. It's usually up in the air, plans and outings as they come. However, today I found myself in bed trying to nap and unsuccessful in the attempt. I suddenly remembered how I had planned to make a trip out to the public library before my weekend in College Park was up. Please don't laugh at me or judge me, but I was dying to get my hands on the Princess Diaries audiobook series... It's my new workout book! I listen to it while working out--it's light and entertaining. My sis and I used to read/listen to them in high school. Except, we only listened to the first two books on tape, then stopped because they replaced the voice of Mia Thermopolis from Anne Hathaway to some other boring girl and after that it was never the same. STOP LAUGHING!

I brought my younger brother and sister along and while I waited for them to finish their own book hunt, I spotted a man. He stood across from me at the checkout counter waiting for a librarian to answer his question. He was covered in what looked like warts, all over his skin. His face, head, neck, arms, fingers. Every visible patch of skin was covered in warts. I don't know why, but the first thing I said in my head when I saw him was, "Jesus, help me to love him!" because I was automatically disgusted at him. I hated that I felt that way inside. I started thinking about what would happen if he came up to me and started talking to me. If he asked me a question. If he wanted to shake my hand. If we accidently bumped into each other. I cringed. "Jesus! Help me to love him!" I cried again. Jesus, You love him. I continued to think of my Lord and the way He loves. Jesus, how I am so terribly limited in my heart. I think I can love. I love children who are sweet and cute. I love the people who respect me and love me beck. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?

I tried pushing the incident to the back my mind as I left and returned home.

And now as I sit here in my dorm, I feel His heart. I was sitting at my desk when all the sudden I felt my elbows getting all itchy and hot. I looked at them and noticed a bump on each elbow. I don't know what they are but I used to get them a lot when I was younger. I haven't gotten them for years now, but recently I could feel them coming back. As I looked at them in the mirror tonight, they were absolutely gross looking. I began thinking about the presentation I am sharing in front of my class tomorrow and how I would have to remember to wear a long-sleeved shirt. All the sudden I remembered the man in the library. Oh Jesus.

I sat down and began to think. Today's Sunday message was on 1 Samuel 16-Samuel Anoints David. The key verse being 7: "But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." Oh Jesus! He does not look at what man looks at. He does not value the external appearance. He does not esteem one who is beautiful on the outside or disdain the one who is not. He has eyes that run to and fro throughout the whole earth looking at the hearts of men (2 Chronicles 16:9).

Yes, I am limited in my love but my Jesus is limitless in His love. He was killed for every single man and woman, young and old, rich and poor, beautiful and ugly. He didn't see them for what they had or what they did not, for you see, He does not look at what man looks at. He looks within. The Beautiful King is beautiful because of His beautiful heart. His heart is the key. I want this heart of my King's! Teach me how to love like You. You are the perfect Lover, the perfect Compassion, the perfect Grace.

Teach me how to love.

Love.

2010-04-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

He has a beautiful heart. Do you know about the heart of Jesus? There was once a woman dragged to the center of the temple courts by the proud and haughty. She was so full of sin and shame as they dragged her to the courts of the temple, throwing her in the center of the crowd. She stood shamefully before the men of stature and wisdom. They gritted their teeth and smiled. They exposed her sins, spelling them out for all to hear. Adulteress. There was nowhere to run and hide, as she stood shamefully in the presence of the proud and haughty.

Shall we stone her? The crowd asked. The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. Adulteress. Now what do you say?

But they weren't even looking at her anymore. In their pride and arrogance they used her only as a trap against Him. Their eyes were on Him. She stood utterly cold and alone, as her sins were exposed. She was merely a trap, one to be tossed out as rubbish. All the while He was sitting in the dirt. They were planning and scheming. Gritting their teeth. Still she stood there, worthless as dirt.

If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her, he said as he sat in the dirt.

At this they were speechless. Defeated by Love. Which of them was greater than she? At this the proud and haughty were brought down as they slowly deserted the scene. And as he rose from the dirt he looked at the woman face to face. She was looking into the eyes of Love. Did she know this was the Lord? Blessed is she whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Did she understand the exchange of love? Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Did she know that the Great I Am stood before her in such humility and simplicity? Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Who was this Man of gentleness and meekness? Who was He to dismiss the crowd of well-to-do hypocrites?

His name is Mercy. He is Humility. This is the heart I am speaking of.

Then neither do I condemn you, Jesus declared. Go now and leave your life of sin.

Remembering

2010-03-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm learning how important it is to sit and meditate. To think about things and let His Words sift through my being.
"I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint." (Psalm 77:3)

This psalmist had so many questions in his psalm. Wondering if his God had left him, forgotten him and hidden his love from him. Unlike the author, I'm not one to question. I usually go straight into apathy mode. I grow complacent so very easily, it's actually rather annoying. I easily forget and push Him to the back of my mind.

I notice how the psalmist is quick to shift his questioning to remembrance. "Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds." (10-12) In his dark night of faith he made the decision to turn his doubt and sorrow into praise and adoration. Although I'm quite sure David is not the author of this psalm, I began to think about the life of David. I am amazed at his life. It seems as if he never let his sinfulness and troubles conquer him. Though he fell and fell hard, he chose to remain at the feet of the Lord and sit in His presence, rather than pity himself and allow his sins to overtake him. His enemies could do nothing to hinder him from seeking the Lord. Truly, God was his center. God called him a man after his own heart. David's highest ambition and goal in life was to seek the heart of God. To know God, and out of such knowledge remain arrested in a place adoration and praise. He literally overflowed with thanksgiving and praise. He loved singing songs to the King!

It's a good thing to remember God's deed and His mercy. It's a good thing for me to praise the Lord.

Feathers

2010-03-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Miss Emily Dickinson

Poor little birdies of ours, all cooped up in that little white cage. Oh well. I say they bring joy to the house, and delight to my younger siblings. I've never been too fond of birds, but my younger sister is obsessed. A cute story: My younger sis, Mary Anna, saved up all her money to buy her very first pet--a diamond dove. It was a quiet little fellow and lived in utter terror whenever she let him out of the cage. He died very early in life, and left Mary Anna sad and disappointed in the sudden death and waste of $40. Still, she was determined to raise herself a little birdie who would do the job of a bird and sing in the mornings, mourn in the evenings, and sit peacefully on her shoulder. Just a couple days after the death of birdie number one, Mary Anna and my mom went on their daily walk around our neighborhood's nature trail. To Mary Anna's surprise she spotted a beautiful and elegant looking blue parakeet, lying injured beneath a pile of leaves. The poor bird had a broken claw and could not support himself upright. My mom and Mary Anna, both taking this as a sign of replacement of the last bird, picked the little creature up, laid him in my mom's jacket and carried him home. For days he sat in the cage, unable to move or flutter about (as pet parakeets have clipped wings and cannot fly, but rather they flutter). Not surprisingly, the little blue bird passed on, was disposed of, and a clean white cage was left empty once again.

Months passed, and Mary Anna's desire for birds was still present. She talked about birds, checked out library books on birds, educated herself on how to become the best bird pet owner she could possibly be, then made a second trip to the local pet store. She returned home with two new parakeet companions: one, a pure and radiant white, and the other an electric, exotic yellow and green. I must say, Jack and Jane are much more lively and rambunctious than the previous feathered creatures. They are constantly singing, well one sings the other squawks. They seem to quarrel with one another, and peck at each others noses. Yet when it's quiet and peaceful they can be found perched on their wooden bar, cuddling closely and lovingly next to one another. And they adore the company of Mary Anna, sitting on her shoulders, allowing her to carry them about the house.

I would say joy is the thing with feathers,
That perches on the shoulders
And sings and or squawks,
And brings songs of love to a home.

(The little birdies themselves!)

Secrets revealed

2010-03-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be completely honest about my GUILTY PLEASURES. I call these my guilty pleasures because people tend to tease me about liking these things, and so I tend to not talk about them too openly, haha:P I guess deep down I'm a major GRANNY. Or just really white, haha.

-Food blogs/food websites. I am addicted to a few food blogs online, especially this one: http://www.foodiefarmgirl.blogspot.com. I love her because she lives on a farm and documents her daily farm life, along with posting amazing recipes with equally amazing photos! My favorite Food Network star is Ina Garten from "Barefoot Contessa" who everyone else seems to highly dislike. Apparently she's old and boring. I think she's great and I love her style.

-Speaking of farms, I have always wanted to live on a farm. I've never been too fond of cities and love the idea of living on a land with big open fields and bustling with nature. A place were my food is homegrown, and cows, horses, and pigs are included in the family. I love pigs! Plus, I also have a major obsession with stars and love being able to look up at night and see a whole sky full of twinkling little lights.

-19 Kids and Counting. This is the one show I've been keeping up with lately. It's so refreshing to see a family on television with faith in God and good morals. They don't just claim to have faith, but according to the show they really walk it out. This show is quite controversial due to the Duggar's "Quiverfull" belief (basically, they believe children are gifts from God and choose not use any form of birth control-hence the 19 kids and counting). I really don't think this lifestyle is for every family, in fact very few parents could ever put forth so much love and care for so many children. However, these parents do the job and walk it out in love and graciousness. I truly respect their deep love for God and for others, and find this show seriously entertaining! Basically I'm an old granny:/

-Maps. I find maps to be extremely fascinating! I have them hung up all over my dorm wall and love looking at them and studying them. P.S I won second place in my geography bee in elementary school!

-Christian novels. Okay even I used to be against this one, but I've found that there are some pretty good authors out there who do a good job at attracting all audiences, yet use their novels to glorify God. The latest Christian novel I read was "Uncharted" by Angela Hunt. An epic and "expect the unexpected" type of novel that totally shook me to my core after reading. Definitely recommend!

Okay, so we all have our little guilty pleasures so don't sit here and read all mine and laugh like you haven't got any! Share 'em if you like!

Oh happy day (thus far:)!

2010-03-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

Me getting up at 10:30 in the morning on Monday's is what makes this day so glorious! I'm not leaving this dorm room until my 4:00 class. Well, okay I might have to get lunch sometime soon, but I'll be racing back to my cozy little room with p.j's and tea:-D

I love
My roommate!! I really do! She is so encouraging and teaches me so much. I'm blessed:)
The melting of snow. Sorry friend, it was beautiful when you came, and for a few days you were fun! I really thank you for the week off, but our time has come and now you must return to the clouds and find a new state to rest upon. Au revoir!
The anticipation of spring. Greens, yellows, pinks! Butterflies and baby birds! The Easter Bunny! Spring Break!!

And now that you're probably gagging at my sappiness, I should get back to studying, and tea, and laziness. Goodbye!

Ramblings on a Thursday

2010-02-25T13:47:00.000-08:00

Who else feels the winds of change blowing at their backs? I've felt it in my spirit for sometime, and I feel Him stirring up the winds to bring a newness like I've never seen. It's exciting to dream about and hopeful to think about. Yet as the days press on, I feel the mundane and routine-ness of life eating at my soul. I hate boredom more than anything, yet seem to find His grace so much more evident in these seasons. Oh that I would be fascinated and captivated by the Creator of all heavens and earth! That He would become my daily entertainment and the One in Whom my eyes are fixed on. Boredom be gone, in Jesus' name. When I look back at my "honeymoon" days with Jesus, I see a young and naive girl with endless possibilities and radical ambitions. I also see a girl who had it all planned out and whose ways were hardly surrendered to the Lord. When I look at my days with Jesus now, I see a girl who has been hit with a dose of reality, yet deep down knows the sky is the limit. A girl who too easily forgets that day after day, in the mundane and boredom, He is always the radical Lover and limitless Giver. He is the Maker of creativity and beauty, and is never One to disappoint.

As He is stirring up the winds of change I can hear Him calling me into deeper waters; to forget the former things and have eyes to see what He is doing in this hour. Sharpen my spirit and awaken me!

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." Proverbs 25:2

Abandonment

2010-02-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

Loved my winter break part 2! I feel like He gave me all the snow and all this free time to think about Him, to ponder His love, and receive it. As the snow piled up, inches upon inches, I could see a picture of His unstoppable love raining down from the heavens. The purest and most refreshing love I know. Everyday as I sat in my house, enjoying the oppurtunity to lounge around in p.j's all day and all night, I could hear Him calling me back into abandonment. I could hear the Psalm 45 calling upon my life. How I was created to live wholeheartedly in abandonment for Him. To forget everything and run towards the King, abandoning the lesser things and reaching for the Greatest Man. "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord."

How unrelenting is His love! How wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.

(A photo of my beautiful neighborhood covered in snow!)

Hming

2010-01-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

What does revival look like? What does whole-heartedness look like? What does abandonment look like?

Burrble girrrgle

2010-01-19T17:48:00.001-08:00

I love how the Prayer Room is now free and running live 24/7 online--> ihop.org
My classes don't start till next Wednesday... I thought it was Tuesday all this time. That's a nice little surprise:P
I think laughter is gooood medicine:D
Samantha is my delight:)
I can't get enough of this girl:

Fling Wide

2010-01-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

I really like this song by Misty:

"Fling Wide"

Awake, awake, O north wind
Awake, awake, O south wind; blow over me
Come, O winds of testing
Come, winds of refreshing; blow over me

Let the winds blow, let the winds blow
Let the winds blow

Fling wide the door to my soul
Open up the door to my heart
Have your way, have your way
Have your way, yeah

I won’t be afraid; I will face the wind
I won’t be afraid; I’ll embrace the flame

Take me through the fire, take me through the rain
Take me through the testing, I’ll do anything
Test me, try me, prove me, refine me like the gold, like the gold

This song is from Song of Song-- the bride has gone through different seasons and she has finally transferred all her personal rights to Jesus and says "Awake oh north winds" which are the cold winds, the winds of testing, and "Awake oh south winds" which are more like the warm, refreshing winds. She has surrendered all to Jesus and whatever He wants. She says she is His garden, no longer her own. Beautiful surrender.

Oh Jesus, have your way.

2010

2010-01-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

Some things I would like to do this year:

-Stretch daily
-Read more classical novels
-Attend Marveling Place on Saturday's
-Study for exams at least a week in advance
-Start essays any day except the day/night before it is due
-Study Jesus' Sermon on the Mount

I'm thankful for all the blessings God poured out in 2009. Although 2010 has already presented me with some struggles and hardships, I am confident in His goodness and sovereignty. God is good always and forever!

Happy New Year my fellow bloggers!

Soul Cry

2009-12-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

Take me to the place where You satisfy
Take me to the river
I'll do anything
God there is no price
Take me to the river.
They may say, "Come on get over it, everything is okay"
They may say, "Why the hunger? Why the thirsting? Why the mourning?"
But my soul cries for You

"Soul Cry" Misty Edwards

Today

2009-12-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

I took my second final exam in psychology. Drank a tall, soy, no water, chai and had to work off my jitters by cleaning the entire suite. Ate a brownie. Ripped out all the pages of "How Democratic Is the American Constitution?" and taped pretty pictures inside. Went shopping and bought a purple cardigan, a black t-shirt, and a delicious "Warm Apple Pie" flavored candle. Listened to Michele's mixed cd.

Tonight I will run around my neighborhood. Drink hot tea. Sing with the praise team. Read "The Crucible" for the third time in my life (final exam paper on it). And enjoy my cozy room and the scent of warm apple pie.

Oh God!

2009-11-25T22:47:00.001-08:00

How He could say that He loves me in my weakness! And though I am dark I am lovely! He is the one sees beauty in weakness and nothingness. He loves you as a Father. He loves you as a Bridegroom. Oh how He loves!

http://joannareyburn.com/audio/misty-edwards/prophetic-song

Listen^

Renewal

2009-11-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

I have been watching IHOP-KC's Student Awakening webcast almost every night for the past week. It's awesome to witness the Holy Spirit working and manifesting His power through the people. Many are getting healed, and not just physically, but tons ofemotional healing have been taking place. I have been hearing so many testimonies of young and old men and women who lived in depression, self-hatred, shame, and fear for much of their Christian lives, and how in an instant the God of breakthrough healed them! He brought them the spirit of joy and laughter that would not leave them! Even though I'm not there to take part in the revival, the same Holy Spirit is here in MD and is stirring up winds of revival. I myself am receiving healing from my Father and pray for more Holy Spirit! God the Father longs for His children to know Him in His love, and be freed from the enemy's grip. May the spirit of pure laughter and joy hit us here in MD! Renewal and revival! A new awakening!!

Watch 6pm-12 (CST...7-12 MD time) http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000060205

Everything

2009-10-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

I've been hit hard with the question "If you could ask God for ONE thing in this whole world and only one thing, what would it be?" If He were to take away everyone and everything in this whole entire world and give you just one thing, what would that one thing be?

Presence! His very presence. I want more and more of His presence in my life, but it comes out of my desire. It requires me to give up so many of my other programs and plans. I love love love Heidi B. and am listening to/reading/watching her all the time. Her number one desire when speaking in front of an audience of hundreds is "Lord I only want You're presence!"

My answer would be "Your presence, God" but God hasn't asked me such a question. In fact, He doesn't need to. His presence is available 24/7 for those who are hungry for it. Those who are desperate and need His presence more than they need air to breathe.

The Father's Love

2009-10-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

If your eyes have not been opened to the Father's love, pray for them. For so long I have been blinded and desensitized to the Father's love. In China I prayed He'd open them up and reveal such a love to me! He has loved me from the beginning, but my gaze has been elsewhere. Slowly my Abba is opening my little eyes to His big big love! Thank you Papa Father! My God is so good:-)

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

p.s I'm reading a book by A.W Tozer entitled "The Purpose of Man-Designed to Worship". This book has me laughing in the spirit!! My roomie thinks I'm cookoo... I am cookoo!! Anyway, here's a great excerpt from the first chapter:

"The plain people I admire so much say that God created the flowers to bloom so that man might enjoy them. God created the birds to sing for man's pleasure. However, no scientist would be caught dead admitting something that simple. The scientist has to come up with some complicated reasons of what this all means. The problem is, he never begins with God. The scientist would object and say, 'God did not create ths birds to sing. Only the male bird sings, and he only sings to attract a female so that he can have a nest of little ones. That is just simply a biological fact, that is all.' I think to myself, Why couldn't the bird just warble or something? Why does the bird have to sing like a harp? Why do these birds sing so beautifully? Because the God who made them is the composer of the cosmos. He made them, put a harp in their little throats, surrounded them with feathers and said, 'Now go sing." And they have been singing ever since, much to my delight."

Something cool: http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#1b9Crq/www.gizmodo.com.au/2009/09/this-clip-is-proof-that-birds-are-secretly-composers//

Yaaay!

2009-10-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

October is officially here! Whoohhoo! My favorite month of the year. I LOVE Autumn and all it's sweets and treats. Yes, the candy is nice. But I love the cool, crispy weather; the reds, yellows, browns, and greens that coat the trees and streets. The sun shiney sun! As you can tell, this time of year makes me all gushy and cheesy:P I'm happy!!

I want to go hiking this weekend. I've been trying to get the family to conquer Old Ragg together, but it has not happened yet. We've gotta go before the colors disappear! Let's go play in the leeeeaves! Weeeeeee! :D

Emily

2009-09-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

Was studying this poem in-depth for the past week for English and the Holy Spirit has just marked it! Love Holy Spirit and love Miss Emily for her depth and dashes!

The Soul Selects Her Own Society
Emily Dickinson

The Soul selects her own Society --
Then -- shuts the Door --
To her divine Majority --
Present no more --

Unmoved -- she notes the Chariots -- pausing --
At her low Gate --
Unmoved -- an Emperor be kneeling
Upon her Mat --

I've known her -- from an ample nation --
Choose One --
Then -- close the Valves of her attention --
Like Stone --

Hope

2009-09-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

"But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31

Updates?! (from taiwan)

2009-08-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

Helloooo! So, I apologize for the ZERO updates I posted during my time in East Asia. I just want to give my God all praise and glory, for He is good all the time. He is abounding in love and slow to anger. With Him, mercy triumphs over judgment. His compassion for the lost and hungry is what I long to attain. In His hands I am safe, and though I stumble I will never fall. He is good all the time.

I arrived in Taiwan just a few days ago- an unexpected trip provided only by the grace of my Father! I had no idea I'd been spending two of my twelve weeks here in Taiwan! It's been a bunch of fun and relaxation since I arrived here. Meeting up and staying with old friends and catching up on their lives. Taking long bike rides around the city of Koahsiung and stopping every so often to stare into the bright and peaceful city and all its beauties. I love the water that is all around this city! There are beaches and rivers surrounding us. I LOVE water. I'm not sure what I love most about this city, but the exotic fruits are one of my enjoyments here! Plus all the different ice's... milk ice with passion fruit is by far the best! Some call Koahsiung a "city of love". I can feel warm and affectionate love from all the beautiful people I meet here. This is truly a country of love.

I'll be heading back to East Asia soon, and finish up my stay there. Sorry for limited details. God is so good to me:-)

Good bye!

Blogging!

2009-05-17T10:51:00.001-07:00

Hello! I've created a blog and hope to update it every so often for family and friends to read and stay updated on my short term trip. Doesn't my background look kinda Chinese? :P

Okay, well the next time I update this I'll be in China! Bye for now!

love,
hannah b:)